Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Because I Write Scatterbrain!

I occasionally catch episodes of Dr. Phil with Monika, which is a guilty pleasure due to how heinously screwed up some of the contestants, I mean “guests” are. Yesterday was a rerun of an all-time favorite, the “Out of Control Spending?” episode. It concerned two couples; one featured a woman with a propensity to spend paired with a husband who was a cheap bastard (he claimed $200 could buy clothes for an infant child from age 6 months to 5 years). The other “couple” was a young woman named Carlina and a friend of hers who was there to tell Dr. Phil about Carlina’s crazy ways. The gory details: Carlina has $38,000 in credit card debt, no job, and continues to go further into debt – why? What’s her all-encompassing rationale for going further into debt which she will most likely never pay? “Because I’m Carlina!” Yes, that’s right. In case you thought you farted while she was explaining herself and didn’t hear correctly, she repeated it at least 5 or 6 more times. “I’m Carlina. People talk about me. I just have to have it because I’m me!”

I didn’t think there were people that dumb on this planet any more. For example, they might have just crossed a freeway in rush hour because they are Carlina and traffic should just stop in their presence. But somehow evolution missed some. It’s pretty cool, though, because it somewhat validates the “perfectly illogical” argument. Think of the possibilities! We catch Bin Laden and in court he says, “Look, I just had to kill a LOT of people, because I’m Bin Laden! It’s ME, guys!” Perplexed, the judge will respond “Shit, we have no case!”

It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to own a Lamborghini. Screw it, I just need to walk in there and take care of this! “Guys, it’s ME. I write SCATTERBRAIN. You know, that blog…okay, you’ve never heard of it, whatever. Just give me the keys, I NEED a Lamborghini.” I’m convinced that a combination of this conversation and possibly some artillery will do the trick. If the latter gets me in trouble the court will easily let me off the hook because it’s me and I say so.

Let’s do this!

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