Stopping 101

-Red means “stop.” I’m including a graphic to clarify this complex point:

-Red does not mean “consider stopping,” “stop at will,” “speed up,” or “try to hit the unsuspecting dummies that are now moving.”

-In order to stop, place your foot on the brake pedal while you are moving until you are no longer moving.

-“No longer moving” means “stopped,” which is what you should have done when the light was red.

-One final point – although this might be breathtakingly complex for this first lesson, I dare to divulge this nevertheless: when you stop, you are supposed to stop before you actually reach the middle of the intersection. If you saw a red light and stopped in the middle of the intersection, you didn’t stop early enough. Additionally, once this folly has been committed, it’s slightly illogical for you to judiciously raise your middle finger in protest to all the cars honking at you. Although you may have stopped, the spirit of the transaction has already been violated. It’s like your mom told you not to eat any pie, and when she questions the missing slice, you flick her off and say “but I haven’t taken a dump yet!” You’re missing the point.

-So please remember, drivers, red means “stop,” and if you don’t stop, it’s like you gave your mom the finger. You prick!