Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Law of Conservation of FAT.

Monika is watching Dr. Phil right now. A woman called in complaining about how her 2-year-old son weighs twice as much as he should for his age and refuses to eat anything but orange chicken. She's concerned and doesn't know who to turn to. "Dr. Phil, can you help me?" We return from our friend the video montage so see Dr. Phil say "Yeah, I have a few thoughts on how to fix this, mainly STOP FEEDING HIM ORANGE CHICKEN." Hell yes, Dr. Phil! "He's two years old. He may not like it when you switch to healthier food, but eventually, he's going to learn to like it, because he's going to want to eat." YES!

I'm going to write the shortest, but most successful book in the history of mankind soon. It's going to be called "The Secret to Being Thin." The book will be quadruple shrink-wrapped and there will be a few combination locks surrounding it for good measure, like the really deviant adult magazines at the Quickie Mart ("Mr. Simpson, here is your copy of Gigantic Asses"). Inside the thick binding there will be a single page where I won't even bother writing anything, I'll just include this handy internet link:


It's called "The Law of Conservation of Mass." But staggeringly, over the years, people refuse to accept the fact that if they eat junk food, they need to exercise to balance the calorie delta, or that the diet version of items that substitute sugar for fat have almost just as many calories as the regular versions.

I know some people that are overweight, but at least it's typically by choice. They know that if they ate better or worked out more they could lose some excess body fat, but they choose not to, which is totally fine. It's the complaint train that pisses me off.

But I have been turning a new leaf these days - I mentioned the other day that I no longer considered it just buyers' faults when the make idiotic purchasing decisions; this stuff simply isn't taught in school. Can we start holding Health classes in Preschool? I remember taking some when I was in High School. Apparently people don't know any better, though, so again I see a situation where the vast majority of the population needs to be educated on nutrition and exercise. Even better - I took gym class in every grade - gym class should feature more explanations of what an activity is doing for the kids and how many calories it's burning. They might not understand it when they are young, but it'll plant the seed for future understanding.

On a side-note, clearly I know that a totally financially and healthfully educated society is somewhat of an impossibility in this country, because it would inevitably lead to a socialist nightmare. I think I just jumped too many thoughts ahead here. We'll just stick with the overweight thing. Burn more calories than you take in, people! That's how you lose weight! I await your campaign contributions.


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