Friday, February 03, 2006


I wrote the following on 12/21/05. That was the day after the meet-and-greet that Monika’s maid of honor threw for us, when we went on a Christmas light tour in a limo. One of the houses we saw freaked us out – it had literally 50 or more mini-Santas hanging from trees, with old-fashioned-doll-style blush on their cheeks that made them look sort of sinister. The next day, as I waited for some programs to compile, I imagined how that display might have come about…

…But the impetus for posting this today is inspiration from A Million Little Reese’s , which I found massively entertaining, so I figure some reciprocity is in order:

Before Santa as we know him, there were evil-midget Santas. Not too many people know about these little bastards, though. Betty and I took care of *them.*

It was 1973. Our annual Christmas Eve dinner typically consisted of
-Cranberry Sauce
-Creamed Onions
-Green Beans
-Pecan Pie
-Beer x 12

Then we’d go check out the Christmas lights, which were always entertaining at that point. This year, though, we stepped outside, and couldn’t believe our eyes! There were a hundred mini Santas laughing in unison at us! “What’s so funny?” I said. They kept laughing, though; it was deafening! Betty and I looked into each other’s eyes, and knew we had to kill them all, before they ate everyone in town! I grabbed a pair of scissors that was nearby the door, and prepared to stab them all into submission…

…a bloody hour or two later, we had finished them off. The bodies were piled all over our lawn, though. Thinking it would be a great deterrent to keep the little demons from coming back again, we strung ‘em all up from our tree branches, and had a mini-Santa gallows in our front yard. And I haven’t heard a peep from their kind ever since. Damn straight.

Yeah, um, I remember them – the crazy fuckers with the hanging Santas? Yeah. It was a loooong time ago, though. My wife had interrupted a perfectly good “It’s a Wonderful Life” viewing telling me I had to see something. I went over to the window, and thought that I was hallucinating or something, but sure enough, these people were in their front yard, in the freezing cold, laughing hysterically, making little Santa Clause dolls and stringing them up in their trees. Man. That was freaky. I mean, it’s Santa, for God’s sake!


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