CARNEGIE MELLON SCREWS THE POOCH!

Students demand satisfaction, decide they'd be better off simply learning from trained monkeys.

Figure 1 - Without Chad, they might as well give up. Trained monkeys prepare to teach class Monday.

PITTSBURGH, PA - In a move shockingly stupid to some and criminally stupid to others, the powers that be at Carnegie Mellon University inexplicably decided to let go of their best teacher, Chad Hermann.

"We had big problems with Chad," one professor on the review board was overheard exclaiming, "that guy was not only a teacher, but was well-loved by the students. Come on now - I don't have time for those little bastards - I've got shit to do, like stroke my books."

Another mentioned "Chad was voted as one of the top MBA professors in the country by BusinessWeek, which clearly drags attention away from whores like myself. Look at the PhD, baby. Look at it!" (he then strangely began weeping)

We attempted to contact the Dean of the Tepper School of Business, but were told he was busy "worshipping the devil, I mean, working" by his admin. Our spies captured this image:

The students remain both perplexed and pissed off, and demand satisfaction. The hallways of school are alive with activity; one corner features groups of students with pictures of the Dean, challenging themselves to discover every different descriptor featuring "douche" known to man: "doucherocket," "megadouche," "Dr. Douche," "The Douchess of York," etc. Others were busy releasing streams of curse words previously unheard of in our world, and unprintable even in the pages of Scatterbrain. Others, crestfallen and weary, resigned to their rooms to immerse themselves in their books to help take the pain away. "I might as well get back to studying now," one student noted, "it's not like anyone else is going to teach me this now."