Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I’d like to apologize in advance…

...You might think you are good at Super Mario Kart, but you are actually my bitch. If we play, your feelings are going to be hurt by the thrashing you’ll endure. You might even cry, and for that, I’m sorry. Your mistake was thinking you had a chance in the first place.

Now, don’t even bring up Mario Kart 64. Anyone who is a real SMK old-schooler knows that game is completely worthless.

I have had numerous people in the past step to me in SMK match race, touting their astounding dexterity and guaranteeing that they will win. It just doesn’t happen. I used to play friends in match race back in the day to fifty wins. I’ve played people talking a big game who don’t even know how to slide the fucking kart. I mean, come on! FUNDAMENTALS, people! You’re not even wearing the right shoes on the day of the race!

So, bring on the SNES, because a SMK challenge is one I can’t ignore.

There is one person on this planet who, I will concede, is better than me at SMK – my friend Chanan. He and his brother used to play first to 50 ON RAINBOW ROAD ALONE. Now that’s hardcore.

…But let’s be serious. 90% of the chumps I run into who think they are good at Mario Kart don’t even know what Rainbow Road is, let alone knowing how to properly slide into a turn, how to properly jump out of a slide, or the nuances of the mushroom shortcuts.

Toad anxiously awaits his next round of beat-downs.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget who taught you the fundamentals of the game...including the mushroom shortcut on Rainbow Road. Never forget.

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Chad said...

Greatest video game ever.

Anytime. Anywhere. Any cup.

Bring it on.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Sushi & Chocolate said...

You sound like some of they guys I work with...

"No, Fortran 77 is a real programming language. Who needs that GUI stuff?"

Bring on the N64!

10:50 PM  
Blogger robby said...

video games are for kids...

join the adult world and drive your vette like you drive mario kart

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, just wow.

my initial response is to ridicule this post. Because I achieved such lofty goals in my HEYDAY OF GAMING (ages 8-15). When reflexes were sharpest...friends all shared that interest...and I didn't know anything about sex/drugs/house music.

but NOW? I've forgotten the timing necessary to low-jump the red shell. I've forgotten about the 150cc class. I've lost my SNES, for god's sake.

Can the skill be dredged back to battle with the giants? Is 1989 Nintendo champion of Pittsburgh washed up? (yeah, I won SMB3 a month before it was released. Bitch)

You're the one with the console. Issue the challenge, and cease with this flagrant cock-waving.

- the Captain

3:38 PM  
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10:15 PM  

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